Hello, and welcome to Tech Support with Matt! This is a public service offered completely free of charge to you, the population of the world, my global brothers and sisters. How, I hear you ask, can I offer you tech support totally free of charge? It’s because I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! That’s right! I have a degree in English Literature and History, which means I’m perfectly capable of writing sarcastic blog posts about stupid-ass smartphones. You want someone to fix your handset? Find an engineer in a smart t-shirt. Let us begin!
Customer: Hi Matt, my iPhone 4 keeps turning itself off for no reason.
Matt: Well, first of all, I need to ask you an important question. Why aren’t you using an iPhone 5?
C: Because I don’t want to upgrade yet. Is that relevant?
M: Don’t worry, that’s just our obligatory loyalty test. You’re in the red zone at the moment, but there’s still time to justify your worthless existance!
C: Whatever. My phone keeps turning off.
M: Hmm. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
C: It’s doing that on its own!
M: Yes, but you need to do it on purpose.
C: Seriously? Turn it on and off again? That’s your idea of tech support?
M: Hmm. Attitude noted. You’re obviously not turning it off and on again in the right way. You have to hold down buttons.
C: I did. It didn’t work. In fact, it spent five reboots telling me that activation was required.
M: Yes, that’s right.
C: That really doesn’t help.
M: Well, do you have time to go to your nearest Apple store?
C: it’s two hours away. Can’t I go somewhere else? There’s a Carphone Warehouse just round the corner from work.
M: Strikeforce deployed.
M: Sorry, just thinking out loud. So you can’t spare five hours out of your day?
C: I have a job. I have a family, and also a life.
M: Then I would question if you’re really committed to your phone. Do you honour it? Do you respect it? Do you carress it and speak words of affirmation to it?
C: Will that stop it turning off?
M: It may turn it on.
C: Was that a double entendre?
M: Um… Is the phone fully charged?
C: I don’t know. I plug the charger in and the charging icon doesn’t move for hours.
M: Well, maybe the icon is glitchy. What happens when you take the charger out?
C: It turns off.
M: I see. Have you tried hitting it with a hammer?
C: Frankly, after days of this, I’ve thought about hitting everything with a hammer.
M: And have you gone online for help?
C: Well, there are about forty people with the same problem as me, but no-one’s looked at their message board posts for six months.
M: Those people weren’t important enough to reply to.
C: And then I tried using wifi, but the button to turn it on has turned grey and it won’t let me even start to connect.
M: Can’t you use 3G instead?
C: Yes. Yes I can. I could also use smoke signals and rudimentary telepathy, but that would be stupid because this ridiculous phone should be doing that anyway!!!!!
M: I think you’re stressing. Reduce the stress. Follow the Apple mantra of continually removing that which does not make the design great.
C: Does that include wifi and the ability to charge the battery?
M: If that means the design is great, then yes.
C: Okay, look, this is pointless. I should go to the Apple store. Can you tell me where my nearest branch is please?
M: Use our wonderful new app, Maps.
C: Last time I used Maps, I ended up on the International Space Station.
M: Which just illustrates its space age functionality!
C: Right. One last question.
C: Where can I buy a Galaxy S3?