Having Smartphone Problems?

Hello, and welcome to Tech Support with Matt! This is a public service offered completely free of charge to you, the population of the world, my global brothers and sisters. How, I hear you ask, can I offer you tech support totally free of charge? It’s because I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! That’s right! I have a degree in English Literature and History, which means I’m perfectly capable of writing sarcastic blog posts about stupid-ass smartphones. You want someone to fix your handset? Find an engineer in a smart t-shirt. Let us begin!

Customer: Hi Matt, my iPhone 4 keeps turning itself off for no reason.

Matt: Well, first of all, I need to ask you an important question. Why aren’t you using an iPhone 5?

C: Because I don’t want to upgrade yet. Is that relevant?

M: Don’t worry, that’s just our obligatory loyalty test. You’re in the red zone at the moment, but there’s still time to justify your worthless existance!

C: Whatever. My phone keeps turning off.

M: Hmm. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

C: It’s doing that on its own!

M: Yes, but you need to do it on purpose.

C: Seriously? Turn it on and off again? That’s your idea of tech support?

M: Hmm. Attitude noted. You’re obviously not turning it off and on again in the right way. You have to hold down buttons.

C: I did. It didn’t work. In fact, it spent five reboots telling me that activation was required.

M: Yes, that’s right.

C: That really doesn’t help.

M: Well, do you have time to go to your nearest Apple store?

C: it’s two hours away. Can’t I go somewhere else? There’s a Carphone Warehouse just round the corner from work.

M: Strikeforce deployed.

C: Pardon?

M: Sorry, just thinking out loud. So you can’t spare five hours out of your day?

C: I have a job. I have a family, and also a life.

M: Then I would question if you’re really committed to your phone. Do you honour it? Do you respect it? Do you carress it and speak words of affirmation to it?

C: Will that stop it turning off?

M: It may turn it on.

C: Was that a double entendre?

M: Um… Is the phone fully charged?

C: I don’t know. I plug the charger in and the charging icon doesn’t move for hours.

M: Well, maybe the icon is glitchy. What happens when you take the charger out?

C: It turns off.

M: I see. Have you tried hitting it with a hammer?

C: Frankly, after days of this, I’ve thought about hitting everything with a hammer.

M: And have you gone online for help?

C: Well, there are about forty people with the same problem as me, but no-one’s looked at their message board posts for six months.

M: Those people weren’t important enough to reply to.

C: And then I tried using wifi, but the button to turn it on has turned grey and it won’t let me even start to connect.

M: Can’t you use 3G instead?

C: Yes. Yes I can. I could also use smoke signals and rudimentary telepathy, but that would be stupid because this ridiculous phone should be doing that anyway!!!!!

M: I think you’re stressing. Reduce the stress. Follow the Apple mantra of continually removing that which does not make the design great.

C: Does that include wifi and the ability to charge the battery?

M: If that means the design is great, then yes.

C: Okay, look, this is pointless. I should go to the Apple store. Can you tell me where my nearest branch is please?

M: Use our wonderful new app, Maps.

C: Last time I used Maps, I ended up on the International Space Station.

M: Which just illustrates its space age functionality!

C: Right. One last question.

M: Shoot!

C: Where can I buy a Galaxy S3?


One thought on “Having Smartphone Problems?

  1. sid

    Hello. First of all, I am completely new in Android phone so excuse me my noob questions.

    So, I bought a new SD Card (Micro SD class 4 16GB) for my Sony Xperia Tipo (ST21i). It’s not rooted, not modified. The problem is, that phone sees the SD card in memory options, BUT it cannot install anything on the SD card. What’s more, I cannot really tell what’s the problem here but Apps 2 SD application doesn’t see my SD cards, and recognises Internal memory (2,5GB) as SD Card… Is this fixable somehow? I am stuck on installing everything to internal memory? I cannot also use adb, it doesn’t list my device.

    Please help Thanks.


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