So I realised today that, although I believe in democracy on paper, there aren’t any politicians I actually want to vote for at the moment. I realise that may do our MPs a disservice, but even the decent ones seem to spend most of their time publicly castigating other politicians, and thus British politics is stuck in a great big Murdoch funded feedback loop. No-one’s articulating a fresh vision of a better world, their just trying to invent ideological time travel to take us back to a time before all those inconvenient moderns initiatives like, say, the welfare state.
And so I started to consider what I’d look for in a government. It wasn’t long before this serious political thought experiment became an excuse to fill the House of Commons with fictional characters.
The main rule: characters must be from the country over which you’re putting them in charge, or at least have a strong connection to that country. With that in mind, here’s my recipe for a better Britain:
Prime Minister: Hugh Grant from Love Actually, because it’s always nice to have a West Wing style moment of idealism for the leader of the country.
Chancellor of the Exchequer: Captain Mainwaring from Dad’s Army. This may be quite a promotion for a small town bank manager, but the guy would happily die for his country; I think we can trust him to have enough sense of duty to sort out the economy properly.
Home Secretary: Professor McGonagall was second in command of the madhouse that was Hogwarts. Sorting out the UK should be a breeze.
Justice Secretary: DCI Gene Hunt. Too reactionary? Maybe, but if you wanted me to be soft on crime, you shouldn’t have conned your way into my nan’s house to steal her purse.
Foreign Secretary: Jean-Luc Picard. “But he’s French!” protest the Trekkers. Please. He likes Shakespeare, he drinks tea by the gallon and he sounds like Patrick Stewart. He’s as French as I am and he’s a diplomat backed up by the power of a big-ass spaceship. He gets the job
Defence Secretary: Harry Pearce from Spooks. Badass enough to take on the CIA. Badass enough to win.
Education Secretary: The Doctor. Because he’d make learning fun and teach kids that there’s more to education than passing exams – what you do with your knowledge actually matters.
Agriculture Secretary: Mr. Bloom. Obviously.
Heritage Secretary: This post no longer exists but I’m reinventing it as long as Lara Croft takes the job.
Culture Secretary: He can sing, he can dance, he can play multiple instruments. He has access to a variety of interesting tourist spots and he can broaden the definition of sport and games beyond stuff like football and cricket. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Richard from The Crystal Maze.
Business Secretary: What you really need is someone who won’t be afraid of people like the Murdochs. Mickey from Hustle would eat them for breakfast.
Health Secretary: I know I’ve got two characters from the same mythos here but my game, my rules – Dr. Martha Jones from Doctor Who.
So who would you draft to save your country?