In response to the rerelease of The Phantom Menace, I am exclusively publishing the following letter, found amid the ruins of the Galactic Senate building on Coruscant.
We have recently completed our audit of events that lead to the domination of the galaxy under the yolk of the Empire, enforced by Darth Vader (formerly known as Anakin Skywalker). During the course of our deliberations, we found that…
No, wait. We can’t go on like this. Normally we would maintain a veneer of professionalism and neutrality, but alas this is now impossible. Sometimes we conduct an investigation where the findings are so atrocious that experienced and hardened auditors have been known to spontaneously combust at the stupidity of it all.
This is one of those cases.
Therefore, we have no choice but to hold one group responsible for the oppression of billions of innocent lives, countless civil rights violations and the destruction of whole planets.
That group is not the Galactic Empire, although they carried out these atrocities. They were, however, enabled and empowered in this by the Jedi Council.
Yes, we are aware that Jedi such as Luke Skywalker played a significant part in our liberation. We do not deny this, and would not wish to cast aspersions on his heroism. However, the majority of his predecessors were, in the words of our chief investigator, “A bunch of loon weasels”.
The following summarises our findings:
If a child is deemed “Unteachable”, it is not because he is too old. It is because you are bad teachers.
Separating a child from his parents permanently is only to be done in the most extreme cases. Buying a child from a scrap dealer is slave trading. Forbidding him from seeing his mother is kidnapping. Some would consider these activities to be cultic. We could not possibly comment, except to say that not one of our investigators has seen evidence of a ‘Force’ or tiny parasitic microbes that allow you to levitate rocks.
Duty of Care
If one of your staff approaches you, claiming prophetic visions of the death of his beloved, you have two options – have him committed (it’s quicker) or work with him to resolve the problem. Effectively saying “There there, don’t worry about it” is sure to end badly. Just because your HR department is sociopathic, doesn’t mean the rest of us should suffer the resulting decades of oppression.
People fall in love. Get over it. Do not say “Purge your emotions as your girlfriend dies horribly.” This will get you lightsabered to death. Frankly, you would deserve it.
When the aggressors in a political situation use battle droids to achieve their aims, you are not maintaining the moral high ground by using an army of clones as your response. An interview with one of the survivors revealed that he really wanted to be a graphic designer; instead he was forced into becoming an Imperial Stormtrooper. He had the luxury of constantly shooting to miss his targets; how many more were forced to shoot anthropomorphic teddy bears in the back.
Honesty and Transparency
In the event that you learn personal information about a young person in your care, it is incumbent upon you, when appropriate, to share this information with your charge. Otherwise, he may find himself in a situation where hearing that, for instance, his father was in fact a dictatorial cyborg. This will not result in optimum performance; indeed, it could lead to decades of psychological issues. In some extreme cases, it has lead to people kissing siblings, although we are certain this is not the case here.
It has been a long time since helping a colleague face their fears involved inserting them into a tree.
“Do or do not, there is no try” is not encouraging. It would be quicker to simply shout “LOSER!”
The above are just a few of our findings; a full report will be made available in due course, suffice to say this is the worst example of institutional abuse and incompetence since we investigated Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It has since come to our attention that the Jedi Council is being reformed; upon hearing this news, our chief investigator had just one comment prior to handing in his notice:
“I have a bad feeling about this.”