I’m being hunted by dark and mysterious forces again.
The first time was by a panpipe group. They started showing up in Dudley from time to time, which was fine, except then they started showing up in Birmingham as well, and then other places I went. Last straw was when they showed up in America while I was on holiday. Some would argue that this is down to the populariy of panpipe groups. I suggest that this flies in the face of the evidence, and I was being stalked by the Global Panpipe Mafia.
Other groups that have stalked me in the past include the International Association of Living Statues and Other Disturbing Street Performers Who Should Get Proper Jobs and The Illuminated Brotherhood of Blokes Who Offer To Wash Your Hands In Pub Toilets. Both of these groups are wrong on a fundamental level.
The latest group are people standing on street corners dressed in pizza boxes.
They’re advertising a well-known and popular chain, but they’re everywhere, or at least everywhere I go. I wouldn’t be suspicious if they were just in crowded urbanised areas, that would make sense, but they’re not; I’ve seen then lurking on quiet streets and at lonely crossroads. In some mythologies, bad mojo happens at lonely crossroads (ask Robert Johnson).
This may sound like the paranoid ramblings of a madman. You may scoff. But you’re not being hunted down by panpipers and possible voodoo practitioners dressed in pizza boxes. Don’t mock and then come asking me for help when you’re being pursued by living statues (you never see them move, but they’re getting closer every time you look round. Doctor Who has made good use of that particular nightmare fuel, and if they want to use the idea of living statues being possessed by the Weeping Angels they can have that one for free, or at least naming a character after me).
Don’t get me started on clowns. I don’t mind the red-nosed, big-footed variety, but the white-faced harlequins? Brrr. They’re not chasing me yet, but if I ever run into a lamppost for no good reason it just means one jumped out at me without warning.
Anyway, I’ve told you all now. The truth is out. And I’m relying on you all to avenge me in the event that all these secretive malefactors read this blog and make arrangements for me to disappear unexpec
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