Hogwarts – The Inspection Report

It is with great concern that I am writing to all those involved in funding and overseeing secondary education at the above mentioned institution. Events over the past several years have brought to light events and practices that have not only proven to have adverse impact on the education of students, but that have actively endangered their physical well being.

We shall return to the physical endangerment of learners shortly. First we must consider the whole ethos and culture of the school. It is with great regret that I must inform you that institutional racism is not only rife but accepted as a ‘normal’ part of everyday life. Children from a non-wizarding background are routinely referred to as ‘muggles’, a derogatory term that has no place in modern society. Use of this term, and its associated prejudices, is perpetuated throughout wider wizarding society, to the extent that many consider themselves to be separate to the outside world. In some cases this would be considered an eccentricity at worst; however, given that this direct impacts on an effective reponse to the terroristic ambitions of the so-called ‘Lord’ Voldemort it is clear that the attitudes on display at the school not only affect the welfare of students (and, frankly, it should be noted that the Equal Opportunities policy hasn’t been updated since 1874), but also represents a clear and pleasant danger to national security!

It is significant that the school operates policies and procedures that perpetuate this; the ‘Sorting Hat’, which ostensibly links students with their school house is, in effect, a recruiting tool for the Slytherin terrorist cell.

Admittedly, the Hat also recruits to opposition factions, but as the so-called ‘Dumbledore’s Army’ involved what were effectively child soldiers being involved in combat situations, I cannot support its further use. Especially given the school has by far the highest mortality rate in the UK.

Let us also not forget Hufflepuff house, and its students’ inability to achieve anything higher than a B. It is also not appropriate for careers advisors to refer to them as “Nature’s catering assistants”.

All of which is a precursor to the most serious infringement of the Child Protection Act and the ‘Every Child Matters’ agenda. It seems that, for seven years, a student has spent his summers with abusive relatives who forced him to stay in a cupboard under their stairs. This would be tragic enough, and yet when the school presented it as a necessary evil through which a great evil would be defeated, well, I can only call for the school staff to be sacked.

This is because I can’t call for them all to be shot.

I would offer a conclusion, but the facts speak for themselves. Wizarding education is elitist, racist and dangerous. I can only recommend that Dr. Mustrum Ridcully be given the headship of Hogwarts post haste. He’ll knock the place into shape.

Yours faithfully…

Please note that I have read and enjoyed (for the most part) all the Harry Potter books, and this shouldn’t be considered a dissing of either them or JK Rowling. But let’s face if, if Hogwarts was real it would have been closed years ago…

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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