So The Expendables has been released, featuring the greatest action movie cast ever assembled, as well as Charisma Carpenter from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Obviously this is the greatest movie ever made, and the only thing that could make it better was if it was set in space.
But wait, if it was set in space then it would become a sci-fi movie, and if that were the case you’d be looking for a whole new cast. You need people with experience in space acting, and the only place you’re going to find that is in the geek community. So, ladies and gentlemen, here are my initial ideas for casting the greatest geek movie ever.
First of all, you need representation from the classics. I immediately thought of Harrison Ford – after all, he’s played two of the greatest geek heroes of all time, in the form of Han Solo and Indiana Jones – but I’m never totally convinced he’s one of us, and frankly, if you’re making something like this, you want a cast that can have fun. At the same time, you need someone from Star Wars in there; the easy choice is Mark Hamill, but then it hit me.
See, the great thing about the geek community is that a lot of our legends aren’t gazillion dollar stars; we could probably make this film on less than The Expendables spent on catering.
That said, we do have some big names. I have no idea what the plot of this thing would be, but I know it needs authority figures, mainly because they’ll be played by Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee.
This raises a dilemma. Does Patrick Stewart fulfill our quota of Star Trek actors, in which case we’d have to lose William Shatner? I can’t do it. I can’t cut Shatner. I think he might have to be a cameo though, because I’m not convinced he won’t take the mick.
Of course, taking the mick wouldn’t be a problem if I hadn’t already cast someone who’ll be doing that already. Step forward Bruce Campbell. If geeks had a leader, well… Hail to the king, baby! Plus if Bruce is on board we could get Sam Raimi to direct.
Back to the classics – Doctor Who needs to be in there somewhere. I can’t decide whether that should be in the form of Matt Smith or David Tennant. I know Tom Baker is in the same cameo scene as Shatner, because they effectively share the same role in the psyche of UK and US geekdom respectively.
(He should also do a satnav voice)
Okay, who have I missed?