The Geeks-pendables

So The Expendables has been released, featuring the greatest action movie cast ever assembled, as well as Charisma Carpenter from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Obviously this is the greatest movie ever made, and the only thing that could make it better was if it was set in space.

But wait, if it was set in space then it would become a sci-fi movie, and if that were the case you’d be looking for a whole new cast. You need people with experience in space acting, and the only place you’re going to find that is in the geek community. So, ladies and gentlemen, here are my initial ideas for casting the greatest geek movie ever.

First of all, you need representation from the classics. I immediately thought of Harrison Ford – after all, he’s played two of the greatest geek heroes of all time, in the form of Han Solo and Indiana Jones – but I’m never totally convinced he’s one of us, and frankly, if you’re making something like this, you want a cast that can have fun. At the same time, you need someone from Star Wars in there; the easy choice is Mark Hamill, but then it hit me.

Warwick Davis.

See, the great thing about the geek community is that a lot of our legends aren’t gazillion dollar stars; we could probably make this film on less than The Expendables spent on catering.

That said, we do have some big names. I have no idea what the plot of this thing would be, but I know it needs authority figures, mainly because they’ll be played by Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee.

This raises a dilemma. Does Patrick Stewart fulfill our quota of Star Trek actors, in which case we’d have to lose William Shatner? I can’t do it. I can’t cut Shatner. I think he might have to be a cameo though, because I’m not convinced he won’t take the mick.

Of course, taking the mick wouldn’t be a problem if I hadn’t already cast someone who’ll be doing that already. Step forward Bruce Campbell. If geeks had a leader, well… Hail to the king, baby!  Plus if Bruce is on board we could get Sam Raimi to direct.

Back to the classics – Doctor Who needs to be in there somewhere. I can’t decide whether that should be in the form of Matt Smith or David Tennant. I know Tom Baker is in the same cameo scene as Shatner, because they effectively share the same role in the psyche of UK and US geekdom respectively.

Brian Blessed gets to do whatever he wants in this. Sorry, did I say Brian Blessed? I meant BRIAN BLESSED!!!!

(He should also do a satnav voice)

Special effects will be by M5 Industries, because I love Mythbusters. They get a cameo too, probably blowing stuff up.

Richard Dean Anderson is in there because he’s MacGyver AND he’s in Stargate.

Peter Cullen is in there because he’s the voice of Optimus Prime. Adam Baldwin is in there because he’s Adam Baldwin.

Okay, who have I missed?

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6 thoughts on “The Geeks-pendables

  1. brighty18

    Totally David Tennant.
    And, you know, I strongly suspect that Harrison Ford would not be a true geek because, frankly, he strikes me as being kind of conventional (and maybe not uber bright) in real life. He was after all, a Boy Scout and a frat boy. Of course, I expect to be verbally slaughtered for defiling his name be someone who comments on this.

    Reply
    1. matthewhyde Post author

      Nah, I tend to agree – Harrison’s been in a bunch of films that geeks love, but can’t see him partying down at Comic-Con. I guess the fact that he’s both Indy AND Han Solo gives him a pass though…

      Reply
  2. and_light91

    Hayden Christensen.
    I would say put harrison ford cause even though that last indie movie was terrible it did include aliens.
    also Ewan MacGregor, and Natalie Portman.
    and you cant forget Zachary Quinto

    Reply
      1. matthewhyde Post author

        Being Spock is a pretty good gig though. He’s pretty much guaranteed a hit movie every couple of years. Good luck to him, he’s a good actor so he deserves it!

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