Okay, I don’t want you to get worried or anything, but I think my home is being invaded.
I’m fairly certain that, if it gets violent, I can take them, but I’m outnumbered and I can’t see how they’re getting in.
It started yesterday. I think they first got in when I left my back door open. I was in the garden, and next thing I know, there they are, crawling up my fridge. Ants, the little six-legged blighters.
I went easy on them at first. After all, it wasn’t the Normandy landings or anything, more an advance group that parachuted in at midnight and who now want to get at my yogurts. And to be honest, I don’t like killing other living creatures – I’m a lot like St. Francis of Assissi in that respect. I can live with a few ants sneaking into the house, it’s not like they’re distraction burglars or anything. They’re more like trespassers and you can’t just shoot trespassers. Besides, as targets go they’re too small.
Anyway, I went into the kitchen earlier and now there’s more of them. I have no idea how they’re getting in. They’re everywhere and I don’t like it. I can feel them crawling all over me. They’re in there now, laughing at me. Well, no more! See, there’s a major difference between me and St. Francis – I have limits. And I swear, if one more ant looks at me funny, I’m going to unleash the Apocalyptic Dyson of Retribution on them, like a cleansing tornado of cleanliness.
Extreme, you say? No. Extreme would be getting an aerosol and matches anf flamethrowering their tiny insect asses, but I can’t do that because I have no flame=proof clothes and I more-or-less like my eyebrows. Oh, you say, ants provide an invaluable service to the ecosystem. Well, tell me what it is, cos as far as I can tell they’re too small to eat and too near my fridge to do anything useful in my garden.
I’ll be merciful. I’ll give them a day. If they’re still here by then, I won’t be responsible for my actions. But I can hear them, running around in there, sneaking in through their secret passages and sniggering as they do. They may even be reading this now. If this is my last ever blog post, tell my family I love them and fight among yourselves for the comics.
And sing songs of how I went down, swinging and in flames….
PS. Please leave a comment, I need to know that I’m not the only human left, like some Dudley-based version of I Am Legend. I don’t even have a dog…