We are issuing this warning on behalf of both law enforcement agencies and the intelligence community to alert the public of a serious threat. At approximately 11:47 last Wednesday, we were alerted to the presence of a dangerous individual in the Dudley borough of the West Midlands, England. This individual, known only as ‘the Paper Man’, has disappeared from CIA and MI5 watchlists and should now be considered to be at large among the general populace.
The Paper Man, implicated in a number of incidents so disturbing that their details are subject to an official press black-out, was last known to be developing an obsession with someone known as Lisa – authorities have yet to further identify this woman, but both herself and those around her, particularly work colleagues, should be particularly vigilant at this time.
The Paper Man is known to post himself to his victims, whereupon he subjects them to the death of a million paper-cuts. This method of execution, first used by a sub-group of the Japanese Samurai, developed from the practice of ‘militant origami’, rendering victims beyond medical help with nothing but the strategic use of a sheet of A4. The Paper Man is known to identify potential victims via dating websites, although anyone joining Facebook groups dedicated to the cult 80’s TV action series TerraQuest should also be on the alert.
Psychological profiles suggest that the Paper Man is both exceedingly volatile and highly flammable. Police are asking local public sector organisations to beware unsolicited faxes and persistant, mysterious photocopier breakdowns.
The only known picture of the Paper Man held on file was obtained through the use of night-vision technology’; while the image below was uploaded via the Echelon system, the photographer has not yet been found:
We emphasise that, should you encounter this individual, he should by no means be approached. Any sighting should immediately be communicated to the recycling department of your local police force. The Paper Man is deadly. The Paper Man is implacable. The Paper Man could be any where at any time. The Paper Man could be watching you as we speAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!