Thoughts on the A-Team movie (in which some fools get pitied)

The A-Team. One of the most iconic TV shows of the 80’s. The adventures of Hannibal, Face, Murdock and BA were an integral part of Saturdays for a whole generation, and now they’re facing the remake treatment.

Yes, I know. I agree with you. How do they replace one of the most perfect ensemble casts ever put together for a TV show? Well, with Liam Neeson, a bloke from The Hangover, a bloke from District 9, and an American footballer. Not sure I can see Neeson as Hannibal myself, but okay, we’ll give them a chance. However, that chance will be fleeting and short-lived unless the producers are sure to include seven fundamental elements:

1. The Theme Tune
They’ll probably make it a rap. Or a dance remix. Or a Peruvian nose-flute anthem. No. What they should do is find a group who are capable – nay, worthy – of coveirng one of the best TV themes ever. Get this wrong, replace it with some bland rockless piffle, and then they will have no choice but to be faced with hoots of derision wherever they go.

2. No-one Dies
"Oh, but it’s unrealistic," they’ll say, "It’s not dark and gritty enough." Pah. Of course it’s unrealistic. Guess what? It’s not a scathing indictment of the US military justice system or a sensitive portrayal of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Despite greater levels of gunfire than some small wars, the A-Team never killed anyone. You know why? They were so good that they always aimed to miss, ensuring that the military wouldn’t add murder or manslaughter to the list of charges against them. Obviously.

3. Inadequate Security Within Medical Facilities
They have to break Murdock out of the mental hospital. Bonus points if he has a pet rock.

4. A Lack of Forward Planning Among Evil People
"Bwahaha! The A-Team can’t stop me! For I, Developer McNasty, have locked them in an abandoned garage, together with nothing but an old ice-cream van and miscellaneous spare parts and tools. Now nothing can stop me building a souless shopping mall on top of the family-owned organic smoothie factory! Haha!"

5. Academy Award Nominee Liam Neeson Dressed as a Sea Monster
This.

6. Aviophobia
Believe it or not, this is starting to look like a deal-breaker. According to this report in the Daily Mail, photographs from the set of the new film show the guy who plays BA sitting conscious in a helicopter. This is wrong. It was one of the running gags of the show that BA was scared of flying – this big, tough, scary dude who threw bad guys through walls wasn’t getting on no plane, foo’. They always used to drug his milk, or hypnotise him, or hit him with a plank whenever they had to fly anywhere. If the new movie can’t get that right… Well, I’m outraged. So outraged that I demanded an opinion from the people around me. Unfortunately the only person around me at that precise point was Indiana Potato-Head.

So what do you think, Indiana Potato-Head?

He’s not happy, and who can blame him? You remake The A-Team, you’ve got to get it right. Maybe they’re scared of looking silly, and not serious enough. Well boo-hoo. It was okay for Mr. T and he was an icon. Heck, he even had his own comic! Okay, so it wasn’t good but that’s not the point. Get it right!

7. Obscure Geek In-Jokes
At some point I want to see Bradley Cooper (playing Face) do a double-take as actress Tricia Helfer walks past. Only five people would get it, but those five would all shout "GENIUS!" Because, you know, I love it when a plan comes together…

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