So, I’m checking out Neil Gaiman’s blog, and it includes a link to My Heritage, a site that allows you to upload a photograph of yourself and use facial recognition software to identify any celebrities you may resemble. ‘Okay,’ I say to myself, ‘I’m up for that. Maybe it’ll tell me that I look like Michael Moore or Oliver Platt.’
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 1
SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC. I look like SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC. You have no idea how much I need a ‘horrified’ smiley right now. I mean, I’m looking at the guy’s Wikipedia entry, and I’m starting to see the resemblance. I mean physical resemblance, not attitudinal.
Matt’s Non-Genocidal Celebrity Doppelganger No. 2
That’s more like it. Next time I’m out on a Friday night, I’m taking a printout of this with me. “It’s true, ladies. I’m 45% Matthew McConaughey. The internet says so. And he hasn’t been indicted for crimes against humanity.”
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 3
That was unexpected.
So I try another photo, one in which I’m wearing a tuxedo. Maybe this one will lead to better results…
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 4
You have got to be kidding me. You have GOT to be peeing in my cornflakes, that’s two mass murdering lunatics I look like. I’m screwed if I ever want to go to Chile or the Balkans. I know, I’ll grow a Hitler moustache and go for the set! What distinguishing features did STALIN have, huh?! I’ll go out and buy a fancy military uniform and invade Wolverhampton! I’m beginning to feel like that’s my genetic destiny. AND Pinochet was friends with Margaret Thatcher, so I’m betraying my class as well! This sucks! I may as well turn myself over to NATO right now.
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 5
I have a friend who fancies Michelle Rodriguez. Remind me to never let him get drunk. Ever.
This website isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounded.
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 6
I have no idea who this is.
Oh, it’s football. Is he a good footballer? (And by ‘good footballer’, I mean ‘ would he be approached to appear in a hypothetical remake of Escape to Victory?’)
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 7
There are no words. I think the Internet is broken.
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 8
I don’t know who this is either. He doesn’t look like P. Diddy though. In fact, he looks like the exact polar opposite of P. Diddy. He’s the antimatter P. Diddy.
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 9
That’s a made-up name. These people aren’t real.
Hang on…Andy! I LOOK LIKE THE DRUMMER FROM IRON MAIDEN!!!! RAWK!!!!
But then I hit the jackpot…
Matt’s Celebrity Doppelganger No. 10
Yes, HANNIBAL. Read it and WEEP, boys. I look like Hannibal. I have to go through every dictator in recent history to get there, but finally I look like someone who is a quarter of the A-Team. I can live with that.
I love it when a plan comes together.