Things I Learned on my Holiday

1. Tenerife has awesome scenery, lovely beaches and an awful lot of English pubs.
2. That doesn’t mean the English pubs are any good. We went in one to watch the football, left when it turned out to be dead, and the compare (who obviously based his act on Jerry St. Clair from Phoenix Nights) decided we were gay.
3. Frankly he’s lucky we didn’t burn down his pub.
4. He also murdered Brown Eyed Girl.
5. Tenerife is basically a great big dormant volcano.
6. Planet of the Apes was filmed on Mt. Teide (part of that volcano). Altogether now – “Get your hands off me, you damn dirty apes!”
7. Apparently, I snore.
8. Yeah, well, so does

9. I get on well with babies in high chairs. It’s a meeting of the minds thing.
10. You know what all the cool kids are dancing to in Tenerife? Star Trekkin’. Serious.
11. By ‘kids’ I meant five year olds.
12. The Hotel Isla Bonita is really really good.
13. By ‘good’, I mean ‘all inclusive’.
14. And by ‘all inclusive’, I mean ‘eat like horses that got loose in the grain bin’.
15. And while you’re doing all that eating and drinking, notice that the best looking women are German.
16. Of course, you can’t spend all your time noticing the best looking women are German. 
17. So we noticed that we were sharing a hotel with Wolverine’s dad.
18. Hence the first time Tenerife has ever heard the phrase “I’m the best there is at what I do, but what I do ain’t pretty. Bub.”
19. Also, the pool attendant looked like Stan Lee.
20. ‘Heavy’ is a term of respect. As in “That’s some heavy hat, man.”
21. Which is what the cool cameraman said to a kid during our trip on the Freebird Castaway II.
22. On that trip we saw dolphins and pilot whales. That is all kinds of awesome.
23. Did I mention that the maitre d’ looked like Dean Martin?
24. Did I also mention that one of the hotel’s kids club workers had ‘It’s Chico Time!’ as his theme song.
25. That was the kids club worker who wasn’t Mimi.
26. Mimi was cute.
27. That may be because she was the one who played Star Trekkin’.
28. Persistance pays off. A Welsh girl handing out leaflets for the Royal Family 2 Chinese restaurant told us about their special offers three nights before we actually went in there.
29. It was seriously good eatin’.
30. Pretty much sucks to be back. Mainly because I had to de-ice the car this morning.

I’m sure I forgot something. Andy? What did I miss?


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